Prepare Yourself

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Yankees are in town, meaning a scourge worse than almost anything imaginable is about to hit Joe Robbie Land Shark Stadium, Yankees fans.

Not pictured: His dignity. Because it doesn't exist.

There are a few teams whose fans often overrun visiting stadia (Red Sox, Cubs, etc.), but Yankees fans in Miami are an acute problem, seeing as there are so many New York transplants that some people still call Miami the Sixth Borough (as an aside, if someone you know calls Miami the Sixth Borough, kindly slap that person about the head and note that New York is nowhere near crazy enough to be associated with Miami. South Florida, after all, is where you can find homeless sex offenders living under a bridge, pythons fighting alligators, and Jose Canseco Street). According to Joe Frisaro, the Marlins are expecting over 100,000 fans this weekend. Guess how many of them will be Yankees fans.

Most Marlins fans would take this opportunity to call out other "fans" (I'm using the word lightly, here), hoping they could guilt the community into showing up and drowning out the Yankees contingent.

I'm not that optimistic. Instead, let me give one piece of advice to any Marlins fans going to the ballpark this weekend: When approached by a Yankee fan, simply stop moving and avoid eye contact. Like the T-Rex, Yankees fans will assume you are not a living creature if you do not sheepishly defend your favorite team against their poorly-conceived insults (Too bad Cantu isn't a gamer like Scotty Brocious!). This may seem too passive a response for most of our readers, but trust me, once you begin speaking to one Yankees fan, you will attract more, until you become engulfed like Jim Brown at the end of Mars Attacks. If that fails, tell them you can't wait for LeBron James to sign with the Heat in 2010 and join Dwyane Wade. You'll likely blow their minds.


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