Ten Very Specific Predictions for 2012

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


11. Giancarlo Stanton will realize  this photo is a double-entrende for what happens to Marlins fans when he hits a home run.
  1. Ozzie Guillen will not beef with anyone in the front office. The Ozzie lifecycle in Chicago started out nicely, as far as Jerry Reinsdorf was concerned. His confrontations with the White Sox' front office did not start until a few years into his tenure. Expect that pattern to repeat itself in Miami, buying David Samson a year or two before having to deal with an angry Ozzie. Guillen will definitely ignore Jeff Loria if he tries to talk to him from the stands during a game, though.
  2. Logan Morrison will accidentally post a photo of his penis on Twitter. "Accidentally" being the operative word here.
  3. Strip Club with Stanton will rename itself I Want to Go to Shake Shack With Heath Bell.
  4. Omar Infante starts acting out to get noticed sometime in May. He'll begin by ritually burning a Lo Viste shirt in the locker room.
  5. Juan Carlos Oviedo will eventually receive a visa and rejoin the Marlins (once he serves a six-week suspension). Unfortunately, he will have to leave the team (and the country) again in August when it is revealed that he is D.B. Cooper. Oviedo will go into hiding in Tajikistan.
  6. I will stop following all the beat writers on Twitter in August after receiving five updates on a John Buck foul ball. Though I will announce my decision, no one will join my crusade to ignore facts that deserve to be ignored.
  7. Ricky Nolasco posts an FIP in the 3.50 range again, but still manages to post an ERA above 5 and perpetuate the myth that "some pitchers just know how to win." Jack McKeon will feel vindicated.
  8. The budding friendship between Hanley Ramirez and Jose Reyes goes full Jolie-Thornton by midseason as the pair each get half a heart shape tattooed on their chests. When they take their shirts off and stand next to each other arm-in-arm, the half hearts form a whole heart. 
  9. Josh Johnson pitches lights-out in April and May (again), but yet another promising season is derailed by injury in June when an errant jet of water from the Marlins Park home run structure manages to make it all the way to the Marlins dugout. Johnson slips on the ensuing puddle, tearing his rotator cuff in the process. An enraged fanbase storms the outfield when it is revealed he will miss the remainder of the season, whereupon they destroy the sculpture.
  10. 88-74, first Wild Card, lose in NLCS to Cincinnati.

1 comments:

Gregory J Burie, Jr. April 3, 2012 at 11:52 AM  

I will join your crusade against the tyranny of the mundane and the self-evident forced upon us by the beat writers.

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