Monday, April 1, 2013
|11. Mike Redmond has no idea what he's getting into...|
- Marlins fans will be all:
- But Jeffrey Loria will be all:
- Giancarlo Stanton will not be traded in 2013, nor will the Marlins offer him a contract extension. In fact, nothing much at all will happen with regards to Stanton's long-term future, and it will drive us absolutely nuts.
- Ricky Nolasco, however, will be traded in July, but we'll all be glad that we never again have to figure out if he'll actually ever be a top pitcher.
- Logan Morrison, frustrated that no one even pays attention to his Twitter account any more, will tweet a photo of Jeffrey Loria's money pit, then claim his account got hacked.
- Placido Polanco will take to standing in front of the pitching machines in the Marlins Park workout facilities, getting pelted in the chest pitch after pitch, just to "feel something again, you know?"
- Juan Pierre will steal 40 bases and hit .290, but walk just 20 times and get caught stealing 20 times.
- Justin Ruggiano don't "got this." .260/.300/.420, 1.7 WAR (equal to 2 Juan Pierres or a quarter Giancarlo Stanton)
- Someone tries to vandalize the home run sculpture using accumulated ketchup and mustard packets from stadium concession stands. No one notices that the sculpture is covered in ketchup and mustard for a few hours, until it is overrun with fire ants. But before anything can be done about it, the ants will have built a colony on the structure, leaving the team with two choices: leave it or burn it to the ground. Not wanting to draw too much attention to what would be a fantastic metaphor for the last decade of Marlins history, the team opts against the latter choice.
- 66-96, 5th in NL East (obvi), Marlins Park draws a shade under a million fans (or 12,000 per game).